It’s been a long road. So many wonderful things have dotted my life, namely 5 amazing children. I have been truly blessed. My life has also been full by dribs and drabs, of silly yuck that can all get filed away with unfortunate times. I have been pockmarked by some large events that have shaped me in so many ways. The passing of my mother at an early age, the presence of addiction in my loved ones, financial hardship and separation.
God has brought me to a point in my life where the world seems almost unbearable on days, but I am in healing mode. I think of myself as many things, but right now, I am in pieces. My Memere had a truly ugly vase that was covered in gold decoration that she kept next to a well traveled doorway on a marble pedestal. I used to cringe bringing the rowdy kids to her house, always worrying that they would knock the beloved thing over. I have been that vase, fragile and full of sadness that I kept hidden away. I have always been worried that it would be knocked over and break. Well, the vase on the marble pedestal, me, has been knocked over. I am in pieces. Now that my shards are exposed and no longer hidden by the ideal look of normalcy in my life, I am finding that there is a chance to put me back together in a way that is new and authentic, and full of love, for myself and for the gifts that I have been given. Perhaps, I am going to be what God has always wanted for me and this long journey here has been the experience that I need to build a beautiful butterfly. My new mantra is “with brave wings, she flies” because I am ready to fly. I am ready to transform and bravely move into the next phase of my life. I will always be mother, but the other parts of me need to be found.
There is a lonely center to me, with many origins but namely a devastating lack of intimacy, that will never heal if I don’t learn to live in the “alone”. In living alone, I want to find myself. I want to figure out what my “core values” are and follow that path that has already been laid out for me, one that I have stubbornly refused to follow.
So how to live alone… I will say that right now, it is painful. I cry. I weep. I scream into pillows and lay awake at night mourning loss of all that I have known, a marriage of 13 years. It can be unbearable and my only relief has been Joga, a hot yoga class taught by Joe (get it… Joga…). It is 106 degrees with 60% humidity in that stuffy room. In yoga I have been able to spend time living in the moment and focusing on myself and my own body. You have to, or quite honestly, you will fall down and not be able to finish. All the other crap of life, during that time, slips away and I am free of all the thoughts that chase me.
It is through yoga that I think I have found a path. A path to finding myself and getting through “the alone”. I need to find a way to live in the moment. I am always planning and dreaming and expecting the worst and anticipating the every move of everyone. It is exhausting. It is truly impossible for me to think about the present moment, my own breathing and the simple things.
I am going to try to live in the moment through this blog. I want to share the tidbits of my life that are everyday, the mundane, the silly and the common, from my own point of view. During my everyday, I will be present because I will think, these are the simple moments I want to share. In this way, while working on these posts, I will spend time thinking of the now. It won’t be deep, I promise. It will probably be amusing and light hearted because thats what single small moments are.
Alright, here I go. Life, in all its goodness, is waiting for me. With brave wings, I will fly.